6. Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
We’ll start off this list with arguably one of the most disappointing movie sequels ever made; The Phantom Menace. There’s a lot wrong with The Phantom Menace, but one of the most heinous things the film did was create the character Jar Jar Bings. No one likes the guy, and Lucas made the right move by practically removing him from Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith. However, wouldn’t Jar Jar be a much cooler character if he was a monkey? Imagine, he could be a small monkey with a racist Jamaican attitude, but it would be okay because he smiles a lot! Hell, he could meet Anakin and start perching on his shoulder every now and then. And afterwards, Anakin could find a magical lamp and summon a blue Robin Williams to his aide! Hey, it’s better than Ewoks.
5. Jurassic Park III
Jurassic Park III is, without a doubt, one of the dumbest movie sequels ever made. You’re telling me that Dr. Alan Grant, who experienced untold amounts of terror and emotional trauma on Jurassic Park the first time, would go back to an island crawling with dinosaurs again? You would think he’d have a phobia of the little devils or SOMETHING! But no, throw a little money his way and he’ll do whatever the hell you ask him to. Grant is like the prostitute of the Jurassic Park world, taking money from any person who offers it to him and not even considering the potential dangers of his task! And what was with that kid surviving on an island full of dinosaurs for so long? Hello, they’re DINOSAURS! You’re telling me they can communicate and perform advance trapping maneuvers, but they can’t catch a dang kid with a couple of smoke grenades? AAH, it’s just so dumb! You know what, I was going to talk about monkeys fighting velociraptors, but screw it; nothing can help this film. We’re moving on!
4. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
I hate Temple of Doom. In all honesty, it’s probably the only Steven Spielberg movie I can openly say I hate. Even Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was better than this mummified piece of crap. And while I know the film has monkey brains, they should have at least gone the extra mile and included a monkey himself. Why not replace the incredibly annoying Short Round. A monkey with a baseball cap would be a great sidekick, right? Or instead of having Kate Capshaw play Indy’s love interest, have the monkey do it! In all honesty, nobody would be able to tell the difference.
3. Look Who’s Talking Now!
Ah, the Look Who’s Talking franchise. Back when John Travolta and Kristie Alley weren’t famous for playing overweight women. When Bruce Willis wasn’t bald, and when Roseanne Barr had some dignity to spare. Those were the days. But after the third film in the franchise came out and added in talking dogs to the mix, audiences stopped caring about this wonderful franchise. You know what they should have had talking? Monkeys. As Dr. Dolittle has taught us, monkeys have a lot of things to say, and deserved their time in the Look Who’s Talking spotlight. But like always, monkeys were pushed to the side for man’s best friends. But you know what? Dogs may be man’s best friends, but monkeys are family. And blood is always thicker, in my opinion.
2. Star Wars Episode VI: Return of the Jedi
Yup, Star Wars was in such desperate need of monkeys it got two spots on this list. Arguably the biggest leap of faith that this franchise took was trying to convince audiences around the world that a small group of Ewoks could defeat the entire Imperial Army. I could buy faster than light travel, and a super secret mythical power that allowed you to do anything you wanted, but these furry little hairballs defeating the Empire was just to much. You know who could have destroyed the entire Imprerial Army?
Monkeys are brutal little things, and could have easily torn apart the toughest of stormtrooper. And then afterwards, they could have flung poo at them. Oh, MONKEY!
1. The Hangover: Part II
Yeah, I know. The Hangover: Part II already has a monkey in it. Hell, he’s wearing a Rolling Stones jacket! Obviously, that monkey couldn’t be any cooler if he tried. However, one monkey didn’t seem to be enough to make the comedy sequel a good movie. So while one monkey may be cool, you know what’s cooler? A billion monkeys. Hell, make the whole cast monkeys! Well, except for Zack Galifanakis’ character. He’s cool. And a movie featuring a hungover Zack Galifanakis surrounded by monkeys sounds like a good movie in my book.
So there you have it, a list of movie sequels that monkeys were sadly absent from these movie sequels. This is for you, monkeys. This is for you.