Star Wars is a teaching tool; even though that probably wasn’t something George Lucas intended when he first wrote it, that’s exactly what it is. With the new film, Star Wars: Episode VII, beginning production soon and a new generation of fans on the way, I thought it was a great time to remind people of all the handy things the previous films have taught us over the years. So listen up kiddos, because these are things you need to know in order to understand the galaxy.
Each month the Cinelinx staff will write a handful of articles covering a specified film-related topic. These articles will be notified by the Movielinx banner. Movielinx is an exploration and discussion of our personal connections with film. May (the) 4th is Star Wars day, and because of this we will honor Star Wars all month long. What do you love about Star Wars? How did the franchise influence you? Feel free to add your comments and reviews!
1. The More Advanced Your Civilization The Less Dependent on Handrails You Are
I guess that’s just how the future goes. As we become more and more technologically advanced, our dependence on hand rails will lessen and lessen. I’m guessing the theory behind this is the smarter we become, thanks to technology, the more likely we are to pay attention to where we’re standing and won’t be as likely to trip and fall. Unless of course you’re in the military wearing a bunch of armor and accidentally bump one of your comrades over the edge into a reactor core. It's either that or the Empire just doesn't want lazy workers slacking off by leaning on the rails...
Obviously this isn’t a problem for the primitive races. Hell, just look at the Ewoks. They are about as primitive as it gets and they’ve got handrails all over their tree houses...and they still managed to beat the Empire. Maybe all of that non-handrail dependence in “advanced” society isn’t such a good idea.
2. All Villains in the Universe Are British
At this point I suppose it’s just a fact. Darth Maul, Count Dooku, Darth Vader, Emperor Palpatine (or Darth Sidious), Grand Moff Tarkin, Boba Fett, and countless Imperial admirals and generals through the movies (a trend likely to continue in the new films as well). Every single one of them is British.
So while they may be charming you over with their accents and pleasantries, they’re secretly working to take over the galaxy. Even as they threaten to utterly destroy your home planet and everyone you love, you can’t help but think how polite they are. Just like back in 1700s though, they shouldn't be trusted!
3. Your Best Friend Will Always Be Attracted to Your Sister
It doesn’t matter who you are or where you live; if you have a sister, your best friend will inevitably try and hook up with her. The more you fight it, the more likely it is to happen too. So before you go gallivanting off to some swamp planet for some training, you may want to leave a chaperon behind to keep an eye on the two of them. Otherwise, the next thing you’ll know, your friend is frozen solid and your sister is suddenly a stripper for a fat crime lord.
4. Black Men Love Purple
Who knows why, but apparently all black men in the universe love the color of purple...Of course, there are only two in the entire galaxy, but even though they are generations apart, they still share a fascination with this particular color. And why not?! It’s a regal color, and the color of royalty, why shouldn’t they be enamored with it. While Lando incorporated it into his ensemble in order to smooth talk his way into and out of any situation, Mace Windu used it to exact some serious justice. So, do not mock their choice of color, because while there may only be two black guys in the galaxy, they are also the baddest mother-fuckers around.
5. All Drug Smugglers Have a Heart of Gold
Just because someone is running highly dangerous and illegals narcotics for a bounty-hunter slinging mob boss, and also likes to shoot people under the table for asking way too many questions, doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a bad guy. You never know when his lawless tricks will help save your bacon and assist you in over-throwing an evil Empire. He’s really a nice guy at heart...nice enough to be hitting on your sister when you’re planets away and can’t say anything about it.
Oh, and just in case anyone reading this list is taking it seriously (and not a joke), DON’T actually ever hang out with drug runners/dealers. It just won’t end well. More than likely they’ll put a blaster to you and take your money, or have a Wookie pull out your arms for not paying “protection” money.
6. Don’t Ever Apologize to Your Boss
If you've done something wrong on the job, don't bother trying to apologize to the boss. He’s more than likely to just choke you out and kill you where you stand. If you find yourself messing up that bad, you might as well just take off running. At least then you’ll get a chance at life. I mean, surely someone else in the galaxy will hire you. Right?
Perhaps the common sense thing here would be to not sign up to work for someone likely to kill you over messing up. It’s just not good business. I mean, if fast food restaurant owners started choking out employees every time they fouled up an order, no one would be left!
7. Old People Will Do Nothing But Lie to You
If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of the Star Wars movies, it’s a healthy distrust of all elderly people. Seriously, all they ever seem to do in the galaxy is lie to you. I’m not just talking about small little white lies either. I’m talking about the “your Dad is actually the second most powerful person in the galaxy, but you don’t need to know that" kind of lies.
It’s not just Obi-Wan either. Yoda’s in on it (and he’s 900 years old), we can’t forget Palpatine either, who told Anakin he could keep people from dying, or even Count Dooku who lied about his allegiance time and time again. So the moral of the story here? Listening to old people’s lies will only break your heart and leave you with fewer limbs than when you started.
8. Always Do A Background Check
It’s just good sense. Before you take the plunge with that girl you’ve had your eye on and been flirting with off and on, you should always take extra precautions to make sure you’re being safe. Especially in this day and age of finding and meeting people online, you can never be too cautious. It can save you a lot of heartache and you may just find out that the girl you’ve been smooching on is actually your sister.
9. You Cannot Domesticate Every Animal
There are entire TV show specials dedicated to the stupidity of people who think they’ve managed to tame and domesticate a wild animal. Guess what, they're always going to be wild. This is especially true in the Star Wars universe, because apparently just about every damn creature in the galaxy wants to eat you. From space slugs, to mynocks, Rancors, Krayt dragons, and Nexu's...Some things are just better left alone.
Hell, even those cuddly looking Ewoks aren’t to be messed with. Sure they may look all cute and funny, but unless you have a metal friend with you who miraculously resembles their deity, you may as well count yourself as dinner. Because they will cook your ass and eat you.
“Bad Boys” Will Always Get the Girls
We’ve all seen it; the douche bag with the incredibly hot girl that’s way too good for him. It happens, it sucks, and Star Wars will teach you all about it. Hell, in Attack of the Clones Anakin was pretty much a stalker the entire time, being way too creepy, invasive, and clingy, but he still snagged Natalie Portman. Then there’s Han, a drug smuggler and self-confessed scoundrel who manages to end up with Leia; a Princess no less!
Where does that leave our good guys? Obi-Wan got to see all of his friends get slaughtered and then put himself into exile in the freaking desert with only Tuskens and Jawas for company; while Luke got his Aunt and Uncle killed, both of his mentors died, one arm gone, and a dead father. Both of whom ended up alone at the end of their trilogies.
Runner Up Lessons:
- Armor may look cool and all, but make sure it’s functional before using it.
- In harsh weather you may as well go inside...the meteor you want to inspect will be there tomorrow.
- A hood and cloak is the best disguise. No one will recognize you.
- On top of the loss of hand rails, advanced society also gets rid of bras...but I’ll live with that one.
See, Star Wars can teach us all a wealth of information and the great part about it is that I could just as easily do a list of serious and powerful lessons to take away from George Lucas’ saga. That’s part of the beauty of Star Wars. If you’ve got any more great “life lessons” be sure to share them with us in the comments!