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10 Things We Don’t Want to See in the New Godzilla Film

There are high expectations for the Godzilla reboot. Skeptics fear that this could become another farce like the 1998 version.  Hell, even the original Toho series eventually degenerated into self-parody. There's hope for the new film as well, generated by the footage we've seen so far, and we feel that if Gareth Edwards and WB can steer clear of these ten horrible ideas from Godzilla's past, the film will be just fine.  

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Godzilla Running Away: One of the worst aspects of the lamentable 1998 version of Godzilla was that our reptilian star acted more like a scared animal than a destructive, savage force of nature. Zilla (as the American Godzilla is often called to differentiate him from the iconic Japanese Godzilla) spends most of the film running away from the military,  rather than taking a stand. What kind of a kaiju retreats from soldiers? Not the Godzilla we know and love. Let’s hope the new King of All Monsters stands his ground and crushes anything or anyone who stands in his way.

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Godzilla Flying: The first scene that comes to mind when most people think of Godzilla vs. the Smog Monster is the image of Godzilla using his atomic breath as jet-propulsion to fly, and pursue his foe. I don’t think we’ll need to worry about that for this remake but it was such a ridiculous scene, it had to be added to the list.

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Baby Godzillas: From the Son of Godzilla, to the velociraptor rip-off babies of the 1998 version, the idea of a baby Godzilla has always softened the image of Godzilla and made him more kid-friendly. Well, we don’t want this film to be kid-friendly. We want a fierce Godzilla, not ‘Monster-Knows-Best’. We also don't need scenes stolen from Jurrasic Park, with a bunch of tiny Godzillas runing around.

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Godzilla Climbing Buildings: King Kong climbs up buildings. Not Godzilla. Godzilla knocks them down. The 1998 Godzilla couldn’t have knocked down a building if he had a rocket-launcher, but he sure could shimmy up the walls like Spider-Man. Let’s not have any more scenes where the Big Guy acts like a cat burglar.

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The Godzilla Drop-Kick: Another of the most ridiculous images from the long history of Godzilla is the sight of him delivering a flying drop-kick to his opponent in Godzilla vs. Megalon. The scene got a good laugh in Mystery Science Theater and it deserves the scorn it received. I hope we never see anything like that again.

Vulnerable, Easily Killed Godzilla: Godzilla should be immune to modern weaponry. The only reason that the 1998 giant iguana known laughingly as Godzilla survived all the way to the end of the film is that the soldiers couldn’t seem to aim, and kept missing this giant monster, who ran like a coward throughout the film. Ugh! Godzilla is supposed to be an unstoppable force, like a hurricane or an earthquake or a tsunami. He’s not supposed to be a creature you can kill with a Patriot Missile.

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Small Scale Godzilla: The size of the American 'Zilla seemed to change radically throughout the film. However, if he coud travel through the subways and climb up buildings, he was waaaay too small to be a credible Godzilla.

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Spitting Fire: Let’s make this clear…Godzilla does not spit out flames. He emits a heat ray, powered by nuclear heart. The America Godzilla belched out some flames but nothing as destructive as the classic Godzilla heat ray, which so often levelled Tokyo.

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Magnetic Godzilla: The writers of Godzilla vs. the Cosmic Monster pulled this one out thin air. In order for Godzilla to defeat the metallic Megalon, he suddenly revealed hitherto unmentioned and previously unutilized magnetic powers. That's just cheating! I hope that’s not what causes the planes to fall from the sky in this new version.

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Too Much Comedy Relief: One of the things that ruined the original Godzilla franchise was that it came to rely on too many lite-hearted moments of comedy in the later films. The American version was also replete with comedy relief moment—so many, in fact, that they could never develop a feeling of gloom-and-doom for the film. We can only hope that the new film will keep the comedy moments to a minimum. A good Godzilla film should have the dark, forboding tone of the 1954 original Gojira.

Hopefully, none of these previous ill-conceived gaffs will find their way into Gareth Edwards much-anticipated remake.

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  • Yes....to ALL of these. I really agree with the idea of Godzilla running away and not standing his ground. That's how he's always been in every movie. He never shied away from a fight, despite the odds.

  • Guest - John

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    A key feature of Godzilla is that he is unique. Like Batman, like Superman, like each pro wrestler. Stupid Hollywood producers in '98 said, Hey, one Godzilla: good; many Godzillas: Outstanding! . This was the same insane logic that created Scrappy Doo, and it had about the same effect. Vomit.

    and forget a gender-confused Godzilla laying eggs. Double vomit.

    Second, they messed with Godzilla's design, making him look like a Giger Alien. It's like saying, "Hey, Tom Cruise's profile is BORING, let's replace him with Austin Powers. No one will know the difference." Godzilla looks like something specific. Godzilla is not a tyrannosaurus, he is a kaiju (elemental spirit monster), a cross between a whale (kojilla) and a gorilla (gorilla). The original Godzilla was an allegorical symbol for the evils of atomic weapons, which destroy everything in their path with radioactivity. Godzilla's legs are built like a hippo's for a reason: they have to believably hold up a reptile the size of Osaka Castle. The ground has to thunder when he walks. You can't get that with Raptor legs--Raptors are light and fast, like osctriches, and therefore limited in size. Elephants make the ground thunder. An ostrich the size of an elephant wouldn't.

    Third, special effects have to be believable. Sony showed the same footage of the fisherman running up the length of the pier three times, with cuts in the middle. It was sad.

    Fourth, G, like a professional wrestler, has to be fighting something as big as HE is, and nastier. This does not mean the American Army. The Army must always lose against Godzilla, in the first act. Perhaps the NSA. Or the secret underground Israeli nuclear weapons factory of Dimona.

    Go back to making G an indomitable force of nature, and you've got something to talk about.

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