The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles—An Affinity for Junk Food
Americans are fat asses. As one of those fat asses, I think I’m allowed to say that. We bathe all our food in grease, we lay on the couch for hours, and we watch impassively as our $300 Stair Master slowly gains dust. But what really makes us the fat pieces of lard that we are is our love of junk food. Chips, cookies, soda, everything unhealthy for our bodies is eaten without so much of a shrug. In that way, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are very much like us. Their daily diet of pizza and junk food is SURELY unhealthy, and its a miracle that these turtle all haven’t died of heart attacks. I guess they’re pretty lucky that they have daily battles with the Foot Clan to drop the additional calories. It’s like Tae Bo, but with swords. Thanks Shredder! You just saved the Turtles $40 a month on a gym membership!
Hulk—A Penchant for Collateral Damage
The Hulk doesn’t know the definition of “collateral damage.” Or “penchant.” Or “for.” But if he did, he’d definitely nod his head in agreement. The Hulk is all about the destruction. Ultimately, who cares what happens to that million dollar city block if the bad guy is defeated in the end. If the Hulk had the option (and the brain power) to do it, he’d nuke the planet from orbit just to make sure that one person who pissed him off was dead. I mean, the threat was averted, who gives a damn about the property damage or mounds of dead people? This is certainly in line with American principles and, if he could, the Hulk would be receiving a very supporting fist bump from the USA. As it stands, he would probably end up just punching us in the face.
Iron Man—Rich People Are Just Plain Better Than Us
Well Batman is a millionaire as well, he also comes with heavy baggage. His parents were killed, the love of his life was murdered, and he has a seriously bad case of laryngitis. Tony Stark, on the other hand, proves time and time again how much money makes him a better person. He gets all the chicks he wants, he can buy anything he desires, and, other then that small alcoholism thing (which, come on, ALL millionaires have), he leads a pretty perfect life. And on top of all that, he gets the power and glory that being a superhero entails. At first, you might be jealous that Mr. Stark has all this. But you have to remember one very important thing before you start rioting; he’s rich, which pretty must makes him a better person than you or I. And you hold on to that.
Robin is such a hipster he doesn’t even realize it. From the faux mascara he sports in the Teen Titans to his love of Canadian department stores, Robin features all the trappings of a closeted hipster. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wore a Linkin Park t-shirt in Batman and Robin just for the “irony” of it. And what’s that whole “Holy Batman” thing about? Are you making some ironic joke about the role of religion in a world as twisted and corrupt as Gotham? Go back to listening to Lighthouse and burning your seventh copy of Rushmore, you hipster bastard!
X-Men—It’s Our Problem Now
The X-Men don’t HAVE to interfere in the day to day goings on of human beings. They don’t HAVE to stop Magneto from turning all of mankind into mutants. But they do anyways. The X-Men looks upon humanity as a less capable civilization that needs their help just to survive the day. And hey, maybe we can teach humanity tolerance of mutants. The X-Men interfere in the politics of what they believe to be a lesser civilization in hopes of turning then to a different, more agreeable political viewpoint. Sounds a lot like America and that little country in the Middle East, doesn’t it? In the immortal words of Stan Lee, “Nuff said.”
V—An Extreme Desire to Stick It to the Man
Sure, V of V for Vendetta fame is British in both the graphic novel and 2006 film adaptation, but his ideals certainly fit in to the American principles. No matter what his government does, no matter what law they pass, they are wrong. And as human beings, we have to fight back against are anarchic system. Most Americans accomplish these battles with peaceful rebellion and rigorous picketing. V solves his problem with knifes and trains filled with bombs. You got to hand it to the Brits; when they stage rebellions, they really go all the way with it. Mass murder and terrorist actions included.
The Punisher—The Right To Bear Arms…and Shoot People In the Face With ‘Em
You gotta hand it to the guy; The Punisher has an armory of munitions that can only be surpassed by the likes of Charlton Heston. Alien Invasion, Zombie Apocalypse, or Terrorist Attack? Head to The Punisher’s pad. Because The Punisher takes his Right To Bear Arms seriously. He understands the ultimate American paradigm; all problems can be solved by shooting people in the face. Family murdered by the mob? Shoot ’em in the face. Dog took a shit on your lawn? Shoot it in the face. Out of popsicles to torture your kidnap victims with? Just shoot him in the face! Not only do you save yourself a trip to the store, but this way you can eat your Firecracker later on instead of using it to torture your victims. If that’s not a win win, I don’t know what is.
Superman—Baby Daddy Syndrome
Superman has forever stood for the values of truth, justice, and the American Way. What the comic never mentions is what exactly “The American Way” is. Well, Superman Returns gives an answer for that; a little thing I like to call “Baby Daddy Syndrome.” Superman likes Lois Lane and, not even thinking about it, decides to have sex with her. Apparently it wasn’t that good, because he leaves to Krypton shortly after. He returns years later to discover she has a son. What Roh! This exact situation has probably been reenacted by many Americans since the dawn of our great country. Even worse is the conversation we never saw in the sequel to Superman Returns, in which Lois shows up at the Fortress of Solitude looking to cash in on five years of unpaid child support. Thank god for Superman’s welfare checks. I mean, he DOES work for a newspaper. He gets paid like what, $5 a week?
There you have it, the 8 superheros that better represent American ideals than that boy scout Captain America. Please keep in mind, this article is strictly satirical. I actually kind of like my country. Please don’t sue.