Immortals Blu-Ray Review—Who Needs Story When You Have Slow Motion?

The Basics:

I hardly even remember the plot of this movie, so here’s the official synopsis:

In this epic tale of vengeance and destiny, power-mad King Hyperion threatens to destroy all of humanity on his maniacal quest to obtain the ultimate weapon – the legendary Epirus Bow that gives the power to unleash war on both Heaven and Earth.  But Theseus, a heroic young villager chosen by the gods, rises up to stop Hyperion’s brutal rampage. With supernatural help from the beautiful oracle Phaedra, Theseus embraces his destiny and leads a fierce band of warriors in a desperate fight for the future of mankind.

Cast: Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Stephen Dorff, Frieda Pinto, and Luke Evans

Written By: Charley and Vlas Parlapanides

Directed By: Tarsem Singh

The Delivery:

Greek mythology films are all the rage now. Between 300, Clash of the Titans, Percy Jackson, and Immortals, it seems like movies about Greek gods are becoming the new comic book movies in Hollywood. Hell, as I write this review, Wrath of the Titans is set to hit silver screens nationwide. But after all of these Greek mythology films, does Immortals have something new to offer to the subgenre? Well yes—but that something isn’t exactly good.

To put it bluntly, Immortals is a mess. There are almost no redeeming qualities to this film, aside from the occasionally pretty looking CGI and some alright action. Everything else is pretty awful. You want a story in your film? Well, Immortals scoffs at your barbaric request. This film is the pure example of style over substance; in fact, half the time I had no idea what the hell was happening, nor did I really care. Tarsem Singh has a good eye for visuals, but he seems to have little grasp of every other element needed to make a good film.


And sometimes, even the visuals were a little troubling. The film seems to have two color pallets; bronze and really, really dark. Things occasionally looked fake as well, especially during some of the gory fighting scenes. But the main flaw of this film is the awful, awful script. As I’ve already said, the plot is pretty much non-existent. Only main character Theseus seems to have motivation to do the things he does, with ancillary characters such as Stavros and Phaedra having no reason to be in the film other than…well, to be in the film.

Henry Cavill is one of the films few bright points, primarily because he doesn’t completely bomb at his performance. Mickey Rourke as the main villain should have been an instant success, but it was actually pretty mediocre. I hate seeing Mickey Rourke wasting his comeback with films like this…there is a good actor under all that plastic surgery, but even he seems to forget that sometimes. The supporting cast is for the most part boring, although I did enjoy Stephen Dorff as Stavros. Sure, he had no real reason to be in the film and really didn’t progress as a character throughout it, but at least he had character traits, which is more than I can say for almost all of the characters in this film. Also, he seemed to be having fun with his role.


And when it comes down to it, that’s the big issue with the film; it just wasn’t very fun. I can excuse lame characters and a bad script if there was a little fun to be had in it (like what I did for Battle: Los Angeles last year). But this is a NOTHING film. Aside from a few choice decisions in the last 15 minutes of the film, I never found myself enjoying this film. And I may not be an expert on movies…but shouldn’t I at least feel something when watching one? I don’t know, maybe I’m just old fashioned.


Immortals is pretty much a waste of time from start to finish, with an awful screenplay and very little momentum and energy to keep it afloat. Well it has a couple of cool visual touches, that can’t make up for its other various flaws.

Immortals on Blu-Ray (which, if you enjoy pain, is available now in most stores) gets a 4.5 out of 10